Sleeping To Dream

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The Ex Factor

2010-02-20T00:20:00.000-08:00

So of course it has been ages since I last blogged. I never get around to it although I think about writing down my thoughts all the time. Sometimes my thoughts are so random and other times I am thinking back to years ago which seems like a lifetime ago really. Everything is so different, in a good way. I think back to 5 years ago and how miserable and lost I was and thank God for pulling me out of that dreadful situation. You never really know how bad it is until you're out. I have a beautiful baby boy now and an amazing husband who is my partner in every way. Our relationship is no where near perfect but it's normal. Normal in the sense that it's not crazy. Yes, I said crazy. All of my previous relationships have been crazy and I have felt crazy in them! I am not kidding. My ex-hubby baby daddy to my girls and I were horrible together. We brought out the worst in each other. We fought like crazy people, throwing things and yelling at each other at the top of our lungs...we ignored each other, made empty promises and worse off, there was a great deal of name-calling which just broke me. You can't respect someone who you can call names. I would question myself and wonder if I really deserved to be treated that way. We just kept pushing each other's buttons to the point that we ultimately stopped showing each other any respect.

Geez, I could write a book about it but I am glad that part of my life is over. I still care about him, but we really are better off as friends. I think we will always have this love/hate relationship going on but in the end we have to get along because we have two girls to take care of. I still worry about him. Just the other day, I had this weird vibe that something was bothering him but I never approached him about it. Mainly because I don't want to intrude in his personal life and I really like the way things are right now. I think keeping a certain amount of distance is good, especially in our situation. Given our history, when we let our guard down and get too comfortable with each other, that's when we clash and fall back into the "habit" of disrespecting one another. I don't need or want that drama in my life. Not anymore!

I think staying good friends with your ex can be healthy...but in some cases it is not. My other ex and I are not friends and I would not have it any other way. Our relationship was always dysfunctional and I have to say it has been such a relief to not have to deal with it any longer. It just got too stressful. He claimed to have always loved me, but I didn't know whether he just saying that because it was true or if he was saying that cause he couldn't find anyone else. Putting aside that, we were close friends and I really thought we would stay that way forever, but I was wrong. He hurt me deeply many times, but the worst was when he wasn't there for me during the most challenging time in my life, my divorce. He approved of the divorce but he wasn't there for me like I thought he would be. He was one of my closest friends but he was hanging with my ex (who he wasn't that close with at the time). Just didn't fly with me, but I let my feelings lay low and stayed friends with him regardless. He was even completely fine when he found out I was dating Rick. I was going through a lot during that period in my life and lacked the time to hang out with him. I was adjusting to being a single mom and trying to figure out where to go from there. A few months later, I got an email telling me that he couldn't be friends with me any longer and that he wanted time apart. We had not seen or spoken to each other in weeks/months so what the heck? I don't know if that drove him to want space but I agreed and we haven't spoken since. It was one of the best things that could have happened because I realized that our relationship was crazy. It was a drama filled mess of a soap opera. I came to realize that the day I met him affected everything in my life for the worse and it kept getting worse. It was bad, bad, bad to the bone for so many reasons. I wouldn't be where I am now if I had continued with our friendship. I hope he is better off as well and I bet he is cause did I mention our relationship was bad to the bone? Yes, it was.

Finally my other ex is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. You know who you are. He is such a good fellow. I am lucky to have him there for me and my family. He is a thoughtful, caring guy who has been with me through some crazy times. We are not crazy together, he has just been there for me through everything mentioned above. And believe me when I was depressed or needed to be talked off a ledge, he was the guy to do it. He knows me more than anyone else in this planet and has always stuck by me through the craziest moments. He was there for me when I adopted mya, he was there for me when I was going through my IVF's, he was there for me during my pregnancy with Keira and was always there to help out with the girls. I am a lucky girl to have a besty like him. We are not close like we once were but that's only because Rick is filling in the "best friend" shoes like a good hubby should. He even told me that he finally doesn't have to worry about me now that I have Rick. With the others, he always felt the need to be there for me because the man in my life wasn't. He's right about that. He doesn't have to worry anymore because I am finally at a place that is not crazy and it feels really good. Even though we are not as close as we once were, he'll always be my bestest friend in the whole world. You can't mess with 21 years of being bff's!

Moving in

2008-09-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

I just moved in to my new place and there is so much to do! The girls rooms are completely ready, but the rest of the house is in chaos. I can't wait to finally be settled in without having to worry about unpacking or organizing things. In a few days the backyard will be complete with the first phase of landscaping and the playset for the girls will be up. So exciting. Mya and Keira have been asking about it ever since we moved. Mya's so cute. She keeps saying, "Can you build that for me?". Anyhow, beside feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed, I am very content with my surroundings. I love hearing the water falling into the koi pond at night as I fall asleep. It is the most relaxing sound I have ever heard.

Francis has the girls tonight and I miss them terribly. It is really hard not seeing them every single moment but that's something I need to get a grip with. I have them the majority of the week and I often find it difficult to keep up with doing errands etc. so I enjoy the break to do the things I need to do...but I just miss them so much. I know Francis misses them too when they're with me. At times it can be very frustrating but no matter what, we are trying to make things work out in the best interest of the children.

Overdue

2008-08-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

i felt inclined to write here today because i have been silent to long. and it has been painful. all to painful to remember, all to hard to make me remember what i so wanted to forget instantly. so damaging to my soul to re-live the memories of those deteriorating years full of loneliness and sadness.

when my precious mya was born, it was a joy that overwhelmed my complete being. i was so happy. God had answered my prayers with a beautiful baby girl. shortly after that i was blessed even more with the knowledge that keira was in my womb. it should have been the happiest time in my life and i expected it to be, but it wasn't. it was the total opposite. i felt more alone and scared than i ever had felt before. my relationship with my then husband was cold and empty. in fact, we had several fights over online activities that i felt were inappropriate and disrespectful to me. i even emailed this one girl begging her to leave him alone but that got me no where. my anger should have never been directed towards her because it was really about him. i wish i could have been stronger, but i wasn't. i was 4.5 months pregnant and not feeling too attractive or wanted for that matter. i felt humiliated, desperate, disrespected and pathetic. i just wanted to spend time with him, but there was always something else...online activities, TV, sleep, etc. in retrospect, it wasn't so much about the actions that hurt me, but it was more about not being able to trust him or our future. he would laugh at me and tell me i'm over-reacting and nothing was going on. he would say he would stop, but i would still see things that broke my heart into pieces. worse over, i felt i had to keep all this inside me. no one would ever understand that i could be so sad during a time where my deepest desire in having a baby was being fulfilled. my God, i was pregnant and all the doctors told me i would never be pregnant. what a miracle. i felt selfish for not just being grateful for the gift of mya and being pregnant. i tried so hard to be happy but when your heart is not heard, you give up. you give up when you don't even know you're giving up. i felt so depleted of energy that i stopped caring and stopped feeling. i became so numb that i felt nothing. and he did too. why else would he need to go outside of me to find solace. why else would he feel the need to talk and be with people other than me. as innocent as he said things were, i began losing trust in him. not only in his words, but who he was to me as my partner and best friend. but i guess he never really was my best friend. we were never that close in all our marriage. a lot of times, i felt more like his roommate than his wife. during our infertility days, we got so close. our sadness over the inability to be parents bonded us. we fell in love all over again. it was amazing. i felt like we were given a second chance, but it didn't last long. we were the perfect couple on the outside, but we were both dying on the inside. one incident of disrespect could never break us, but years did.

one day i got so fed up with everything that i told him that i couldn't go on like this anymore and that i was leaving him. we were already out of the house because of a mice situation. how everything transpired was almost like god was guiding me to do this. it was one of the best decisions i could have ever made. i was scared of the future, but was more scared to keep living in that situation. not just for me, but for the girls too. it was not healthy hearing us yelling and fighting every day. i didn't want the girls to think that a marriage like that was acceptable. because i didn't want them growing up being confused about love and marriage. what i want for them is to see respect, trust and honor between mommy and daddy, not anger and resentment. i didn't know it would happen that day, but it was the best thing that i could have ever done. i don't think many people could do what i did because we are creatures of habit and like doing things that are comfortable for us. why else do you think it took us years to do this. soon after, we both admitted to each other that we were wrong for one another from the very beginning. we were just to stupid to accept it and make a change for the better

so after years of not wanting to feel this again, here i am rehashing it out in my website. i still feel a lot of pain when i think about our relationship. that's why i don't like thinking about it, much more talking about it with other people. but i have to admit that writing about it here does make me feel better. it has not been easy to redefine our relationship, but my ex and i are trying. although i have forgiven him and he has forgiven me, it doesn't mean that everything is okay. it will take time, a long time for us to fully heal. we are trying to work together for the girls and to create a new friendship while also trying to move on with our lives.

now that decisions have been mad and futures are moving forward, i feel blessed for all the friends and family that have supported me unconditionally. i couldn't have gone through what i did without them. i know it's not easy to support someone when you may not know all the details, but i appreciate those who did because it really has made a difference to me. that is a true sign of character and loyalty. i am a very private person and will not share information easily with others until I totally feel ready to do so. even though individuals may have felt torn, a certain level of respect was always maintained. one of my closest friends told me that through this experience, i will discover who my true friends/family are and she was right. i have learned so much from this experience and i continue to do so. it has only made me stronger and more determined to find happiness in every moment of my day with people that care and support me and my family.

so for those out there that haven't accepted that the marriage is over. all i can say to that is....if me and the ex are happy with the way things are, why can't you be happy too? that makes me wonder, is it really about me, or you? does my situation bring up fears in your life? whatever the case may be, we're getting there. the ex seems to be enjoying his life and i'm happy too. more than i ever thought i could be. i always thought relationships had to be a struggle, but it really doesn't have to be. i now have someone who swoons over me, respects me and puts our relationship first before anything else. more importantly, he adores my baby bears like his own. so despite everything there's a happy ending to this all. maybe that's why it took me so long to write this. i needed my happy ending to that chapter in my life so that i can begin creating a new one. i am hopeful and at peace and oh so thankful for what i have today. when one door closes, another one will open...when you least expect it, you will get another gift. you just have to believe.

Sappiness

2006-06-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

Even though this is sappiness at its best, it is so true. Do you get it?

Let it go

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us."

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something, I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge . LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ...LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

LET IT GO!!!

Anyone that can treat you insignificantly, hurt you intentionally or untentionally with empty words or vicious statements, let them go. Because life is to short to have people in your life that you don't believe in. You should surround yourself by positive things, and by people who make you better and stronger. Not by people who weigh you down with their issues, insecurities, or negativities. Respect and love yourself, and everything will work out just fine.

Girl's Night Out

2006-06-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Partied in San Jose last Saturday night for Tracey's Bachelorette Party. We started off the evening in Fremont with a dinner at Pamela's house and some "entertainment". Then we headed on the party bus to San Jose and hit two clubs, Taste UltraLounge and Vault. The music was so good and it was tons of fun hanging out with the girls. I drank a lot, but surprisingly didn't get all that faded. Must be getting older. Finally headed back home at around 2am. Wow, what a night! Take a look at the photos.

Flying High

2006-06-09T23:34:00.000-07:00

Life is so funny. One moment you're scared ****less and another you're flying high. Just a month ago I was going through a rough time. I had lost trust in someone that was very close to me. I believed in this person and for the first time in our relationship I suddenly didn't. It was like night and day. I can't even describe how devastating it was. I even questioned my role in it. Did I let this happen? Was it my fault? Did I push him into a situation that left him no choice but to lie? That's why trust is so important in relationships. Because without it, you really don't have much. All you'll end up with is a relationship full of doubt and questions, with no real peace in sight. You'll always wonder if the person is telling the truth, you'll always wonder if they have it in them to lie to you again, to hurt you again. And you know what? They most likely will.

Hurt me once, shame on you.
Hurt me twice, shame on me.

Fortunately I'm over it. Life goes on whether you like it or not, and you have to learn how to adjust. And I have to say that I am adjusting pretty darn well. People will always surprise you and make you think twice about what you know or think you know in your soul. Don't let them doubt who you are or what you want in life. Don't let sadness or fear consume you. Let the pain go, let the anger go, and most of all, let the person go. Trust your instincts. Because life is wonderful if you let it be. I have faith that everything is the way it is supposed to be at the moment. And I am so thankful that I still have people here that I love and trust completely.

Jimmy's Birthday

2006-06-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Jimmy's birthday tonight in Emeryville. Beforehand, we picked up Jimmy at his new place in Oakland. It was really nice. We headed to an Italian Restaurant closeby. I can't remember the name, but I liked the food. Alvin came late because he had to suddenly work that day. I don't know how he does it...the life of a ER Doctor. I'm glad he made it because those 3 guys are so hilarious. Stupid hilarious. LOL.

A New Beginning

2006-06-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

If any of you keep up with my little site, you may have noticed a few changes overnight. Despite attempting to remove this site completely, I have decided to keep it and instead create something entirely different from what it was before. Something simplier and much easier to manage. After a long break from blogging and web design, I am back in full force. As much as I loved the rest, I am ready to share my thoughts once again with anyone who cares to listen. I do love to write and connect with others, and in some way if I can reach someone with my experiences or stories, it will be worth all the time that I have put into this.

So then, here I go. There is so much I want to talk about with so little time to get them down on paper. It will take diligence and a big commitment from me to keep up, but I know I will. I'm ready for a new beginning. Are you?

That's hot.

2006-06-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

It was an extremely hot day in Roseville today as we went to a Graduation party for our nephew and niece. The drive was pretty long considering I was the one driving. The girls slept the whole way there, but not on the way back. Mya and Keira had fun playing with all their cousins, especially Charlize and Colin. They are all so cute together...just adorable! We stopped off at Albany to get some dinner at Bua Luong with the girls on our way home.

The 3 Stooges

MJ and Charlize being hams

MJ - clap, clap, clap

Mya, Charlize, Colin, and Kiki

I planned to go to a friend's party in the evening, but it was to late by the time I got home. Plus, I was wiped out from all the driving and kiddie stuff. Overall, it was a pretty fun day though.

Dinner at Bua Luong - Me and Keira

Who's having more fun?

2006-05-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

We spent the day in San Francisco with Brady, Arlene, and Noel. It was so fun and the girls loved it. We started off the day by taking a ferry from Oakland to SF, and then had lunch at Slanted Door. It was delish! We even had some yummy mango gelato. Then we walked to Pier 39 to watch the seals. It was a fun day with the family.